November 21, 2003
Behold the power of cheese
This article about how it's OK to enjoy cheesy movies validates Pete's entire existence, though I'm quite sure that Pete would have listed a much better selection of admirably cheesy flicks.
Posted by Charles Kuffner on November 21, 2003 to TV and movies
Damn straight. With the exceptions of "Xanadu" and "Grease 2," none of the movies she listed even come close to true cheese. "Top Gun?" "Kalifornia?" Bah.
I know I have that VHS copy of "KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park" around here somewhere...
Sorry, but true CheeseHeads can only make the claim of their authenticity by making it to a Weird Wednesday showing at the Alamo Drafthouse. Till you've had to suffer through Sinful Dwarf or Kill Squad, you've not lived. This article (save for the Xanadu reference), doesn't even scrape the surface.
Along these lines, talks are underway for a private showing of The Apple sometime early next year. Now THAT, my friends, is pure cheese!
As a person that spends New Year's Day (plus a day or two before that) enjoying the pleasure of cheesy movies, here are my choices for my annual "New Year's Limburger Festival":
Showgirls - A must see for bad movie fans.
East My Dust - Ron Howard's first major film. A Roger Corman craptacular. Also known as "Opie Gets Laid".
Satisfaction - An insult to the Rolling Stones, rock and roll, and music in general. What were Julia Roberts and Ralph Fiennes doing in this travesty?
Reefer Madness - Available on DVD for $4.99, redefines the phrase "over-the-top". Made in 1936, this was intended as an educational film warning people about the dangers of marijuana. It turns into an unintentional comedy. Also available as a double feature DVD with...
Cocaine Fiends - Same concept, different drug. I think it cost $4.99 to actually make both films.
Glen or Glenda
Bride of the Monster
Plan 9 From Outer Space - Available as "The Ed Wood Angora Box Set" from Rhino (who else). Most people think Plan 9 is the worst film of all time, however, Glen or Glenda makes that look like Citizen Kane. This set is the feature of my "festival" and must be seen to be believed.
Yes, I have seen "Manos, the Hands of Fate" via Mystery Science Theater 3000. If I could find a straight copy (no MST3K) of the film, I would add it to the "festival".
Forgot this one:
Clambake - What's a bad movie festival without Elvis? This proves he made the same film 33 times.
Sorry, William ... I know the effort went into that list, but it fails to even make a blip on the radar here. You obviously have an affinity for movies in which great actors flop. My own bias is towards movies that end careers as soon as the film is released.
Try this instead:
ELVES (90) Genetically created Nazi elves must mate with a virgin on Christmas to perpuate the Fourth Reich. With Dan Hagerty as Santa Claus. And no, weíre not making this up. Why this isnít playing around the clock every yuletide season like Itís a Wonderful Life and A Christmas Story is beyond us.
And of course ... SATAN'S CHEERLEADERS needs no explanation at all. Here's to hoping they replay that gem at The Alamo soon.
... and, of course, the be all-end all:
THE APPLE (80) Extraordinarily, stupefyingly, painfully "for Godís sake turn it off, Iíll tell you anything you want to know!" bad sci fi musical/religious parable written, produced, and directed by Menahem Golan. Donít say we didnít warn you.
One bit of homage to the great Roger Corman, though:
THE GREAT TEXAS DYNAMITE CHASE (76) aka Dynamite Women. Hard-ass hussy Claudia Jennings spends 90 minutes climbing in and out of her Daisy Duke shorts, whipping out her boobs, and blowing shit up. How can you go wrong?
This isn't really worth noting except that Claudia Jennings is incredibly hot, there's nude scenes, and the movie was the inspiration behind Thelma & Louise. Compare the different endings and this one will have you laughing your own rear end off. Personally, for my Corman fix, I have to go with Rock & Roll High School over and over and over again. The Ramones never get old. If I want extra cheese, I'll watch the Corey Feldman sequel, though. If I want to get homicidal, I'll just ponder what Howard Stern will do to the idea when he's done shooting his version of it.
"Great Texas Dynamite Chase" gets the edge for breasts, but nothing beats Claudia's tour de force of bayou-style ""First Blood" (before "First Blood" was actually made): "Gator Bait."
You show "The Apple" on Weird Wednesdays and I'll make the damn hour drive out to the Alamo. Better yet, build a drafthouse somewhere that's actually in the city.
The going word right now is that a pristine print is available for a rental fee of $250 and our Alamo contact is willing to work with us on usage of a screen. There's a handful of us dedicated to making it happen. The world will never be the same afterwards.
"ELVES (90) Genetically created Nazi elves must mate with a virgin on Christmas to perpuate the Fourth Reich. With Dan Hagerty as Santa Claus. And no, weíre not making this up. Why this isnít playing around the clock every yuletide season like Itís a Wonderful Life and A Christmas Story is beyond us."
Greg, all I can say is this sounds like a prime piece of gorgonzola to me. ;-) As for Rock and Roll High School, at least we can agree that Corman made one decent film in his career.
You must all bow down before the mighty Limburger-power of "Death Race 2000"!
the wife and I have the special edition DVD. David Carradine as "Frankenstein", plus a young Sly Stallone in what I think is his first post-softcore role.
Love those wacky post-apocalytic/future society movies--Logan's Run, Road Warrior, Steel Dawn, etc.
"Blud, blud, blud. Blud is gud."