Stop investigating yourself, you’ll go blind

There’s not enough snark on the Internet for this.

Best mugshot ever

Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton’s office on Tuesday released an internal report that found that Paxton did not accept bribes and did not misuse his office to benefit his friend and campaign donor Nate Paul, despite a continuing FBI investigation of the matter.

The office did not immediately respond to questions about who completed the unsigned report, or why the office handled the matter internally, rather than hiring outside investigators to avoid a possible conflict of interest.

The bribery and abuse of office accusations were made by eight of Paxton’s top aides last fall. Four of the whistleblowers have sued Paxton for retaliating against them for reporting him to law enforcement.

“The takeaway from this internal report is that, although Ken Paxton remains under active federal investigation, the people who still work for Paxton say he did nothing wrong,” the whistleblowers’ attorneys said in a joint statement. “Of course, the one-sided internal report is full of half-truths, outright lies, and glaring omissions.”

The attorneys added that it was notable that “whoever in Paxton’s office wrote this report was not willing to put their name on it.”

The “report”, if you can even call it that, is here. The only appropriate response to this is guffaws and mockery, so I’ll start with my own.

OK, fine, a little sober skepticism is all right, too.

You can read the rest yourself. Honestly, this is one of those situations where the headline to the story tells you all you need to know. Save the self-serving BS for the appellate court and quit insulting our intelligence, please. The Trib, which has quite a few details, has more.

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2 Responses to Stop investigating yourself, you’ll go blind

  1. Jason Hochman says:

    Paxton is just awful, and I don’t know why he keeps getting in office.

    The news also needs to cover the Harris County contract to Elevate Strategies for $11 million in federal funding, which should be investigated by the Texas Rangers ethics force, and the FBI. The county judge who held a grudge should be judged and convicted, as well as the commish.

    This is why I don’t vote, and why we need voter suppression. I am mulling running for Mayor of Houston. If the suppression is approved, I am certain to be elected. I am the smartest person in history. I have ID, and I know how to use it. Everyone else is too dumb, so I will run, and I will be the only voter, with a 1-0 victory, and 100% of the vote so no run off. If I am mayor, I will use my firsthand knowledge of the Houston streets and community, personally visit every homeless encampment, and immediately stop the developers from running wild, and I will make every hospital provide free healthcare for all, and I will make every effort to enact a local tax on everyone who drives a gasoline vehicle on the streets, and to confiscate every car driving with expired registration. I will fund the police, and create an old fashioned competent police force. Instead of smothering people to death, I will have the police carry a small, sharp knife, which they will use to severe the quadriceps tendon of anyone who tries to flee. You will need surgery, but you will live to see your day in court. I will also fund the fire department properly. Life will be much better if I am elected.

  2. Bill Daniels says:

    Awesome headline, Kuff. I actually laughed out loud!

    Having said that, I’ll just point out that we trust lots of agencies to investigate themselves, and when they say there was no wrongdoing, we automatically believe them, case closed, so why not the Texas AG’s office?

    Examples of agencies we trust to investigate themselves:

    ~US Capitol Police


    ~US DoJ

    ~the rest of the 17 intelligence agencies

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