“Desperate Housewives” felony count

I’m a fan of Desperate Housewives. I enjoy the show, I’m glad they won some awards last night, and I like seeing feature articles on various cast members.

But man, is it just me, or could we see a nationwide drop in crime if the feds simply swooped into Wisteria Lane and busted everyone in sight? Let’s go to the video tape here. I’ll put the rest of this entry beneath the More link for those who may still be catching up on the show.

Let’s start with the Young household. Paul is the worst offender so far, having bumped off Martha Huber – had he not hired a conscientious hit man (you get quality service when you hire Shaft! to do your dirty work), he’d also have Edie Britt’s blood on his hands. And of course, there’s the dismembered adult female he dug up from his pool (I still don’t know why he did that; surely it was going to stay hidden where it was) and the mysterious daughter, who may or may not be the mysterious “Dana”.

The late Mary Alice almost surely knew about the body under the pool, and may have been involved in the daughter/Dana situation, which I believe is what Martha was blackmailing her about. Paul did say Martha had it wrong before he killed her, though, so maybe she’s not guilty of any of this, or maybe she’s really guilty of something else altogether. We don’t know yet.

We also don’t know if Zach Young is really responsible for the death of his sister, or if that sister even existed. He was probably too young to have been arrested as a felon for “Dana’s” death, but again, we just don’t know.

Both Bree and Rex Van de Kamp are guilty of obstructing justice in their son Andrew’s hit-and-run accident. I don’t know if Andrew would have been charged with a felony had he come forward right away, but by now the coverup is at least as big as the original crime.

Gabrielle Solis appears to be guilty of statutory rape, since her relationship with John the lawnboy started when he was 16. She certainly thought the cops who busted Carlos for fraud were coming for her. The charges against Carlos appear to be federal in nature, but we don’t have a whole lot of detail about what he really did. Gabrielle seems to be pretty upset with him, since she tried to burn his passport, but we don’t know exactly what that was about.

UPDATE: Almost forgot – Juanita Solis hinted to Gabrielle that she bumped off Carlos’ father after she caught him cheating on her. If true, she moves up into Paul Young territory.

Susan Mayer was responsible for burning down Edie’s house. It was an accident, but if there ever was suspicion of arson, she’s obstructing justice by not coming forward, not to mention the fact that she wasn’t supposed to be in Eide’s house in the first place. She also had her daughter Julie break into Martha’s house to steal back the telltale measuring cup. Given the value of the object stolen and that fact that it was hers to begin with, that was probably not a felony, but involving a minor in the break-in may alter things. Both of them trespassed at the hospital where Zach was held, and Julie covered up Zach’s escape – again, not felonies but still illegal.

Lynette Scavo abused her sons’ prescription ADHD medicine. How serious a crime that might be depends on the medicine itself, so I can’t say if it was a felony. She seems to have stopped before she did anything felonious related to taking the drugs, however.

Martha Huber was blackmailing Susan Mayer and at the least sent a threatening note to Mary Alice Young. She paid a very heavy price for her sins.

Maisy Gibbons was probably only committing misdemeanors in her little house of pleasure, but if she ever had any, ah, business associates, she might rise to the felonious level of promoting prostitution. Unless she’s declaring all that extra income on her taxes, however, she is committing the felony of filing a fradulent return.

About the only regular adult on the show who has no crime to her name is Edie Britt. (Well, no fashion crimes, anyway.) And I don’t know what Mike Delfino’s story is (I haven’t seen last night’s episode, so please don’t tell me if we learned something about him last night!), but he appears to be in law enforcement of some kind, so he’s (tentatively) not on the felony list. Yet.

I think that covers it. Did I miss anything?

UPDATE: Sue points out that Lynette also stole prescription drugs from a friend’s medicine cabinet, which likely bumps her into the felony category. Rex’s solicitation of Maisy is only a misdemeanor, though it should be noted. Thanks!

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7 Responses to “Desperate Housewives” felony count

  1. Sue says:

    Don’t forget that Lynette stole drugs from the medicine cabinet of a friend. And wouldn’t Rex be guilty of solicitation or something along those lines for his affair with Maisy?

    We got a little bit more information on Sunday’s show, but still not enough for me to really piece anything together. I will say, though, that I’m in no hurry to go target shooting with Bree.

  2. Mathwiz says:

    Gabrielle Solis appears to be guilty of statutory rape, since her relationship with John the lawnboy started when he was 16.

    Is Desperate Housewives set in any particular state, or is it just somewhere generic, like The Simpson’s Springfield? That relationship would be legal in Oklahoma, for instance.

  3. William Hughes says:

    ” had he not hired a conscientious hit man (you get quality service when you hire Shaft! to do your dirty work)”

    They say this cat Shaft is a bad mother
    I’m talkin’ ’bout Shaft.

    Sorry, couldn’t resist. 🙂

  4. Kent says:

    The charges against Carlos appear to be federal in nature, but we don’t have a whole lot of detail about what he really did.

    I seem to recall from my half-asleep viewing of last week’s episode Gabrielle was complaining about Carlos being busted for slave labor and why couldn’t he have been bused for some more respectical white collar crime like tax evasion. But I don’t recall anymore details. Yesterday’s episode is still on the Tivo waiting to be viewed. My wife was on-call and I’m prohibited to watch it before she gets a chance so I guess we’ll view it tonight.

  5. Mathwiz – I’d guess it’s set in California. I agree that Gabrielle’s feloniousness is state-dependent. I’m just going by her reaction, which in turn was in reaction to John’s mother when she asked when the affair started.

  6. David says:

    I thought that Edie’s license plates this weekend said something like “Eagle State”, although it was in fancy script that was largely illegible. Given the lack of snow, or any sign of impending cold, it definitely has that sort of California/Florida feel to it.

  7. Mathwiz says:

    California’s age-of-consent law is weird, or at least it used to be. I suppose it might have changed in the decade or two since I heard about this case, but two 17-year-olds were caught having sex in a motel. Only the boy was guilty of statutory rape under their law at the time. I heard about it because he tried to claim the law was unconstitutional on grounds of sex discrimination, but the Federal courts upheld his conviction.

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